Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
