haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
