I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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