i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
