I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
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He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
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