Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Blood and glitter go together right?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
