mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
