dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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