I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
