god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
