Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
