so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
God I need to hump something, right now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
