I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
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OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
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dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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