You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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