Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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