when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
