First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
