happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
