just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
