I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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