i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
