Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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