false alarm. still invincible.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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