20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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