I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
