You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
