4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
