I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
