I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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