If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
