I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
