Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
