my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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