then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
