I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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