can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i don't like sucking hair
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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