I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
