Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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