Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
