I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
