remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
