K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
