So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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