So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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