I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
