turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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