my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
