You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
