Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Let's get the cat blown out
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
