Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
