9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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