Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
