just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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