Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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