I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
