textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
