Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
